Full Time Care

Yes, I only just realised that it’s the end of 2008. Well, good riddance to it, I say. It’s been an absolutely awful year for my partner and me: no money, risk of eviction (still hanging over our heads, in true Damocles fashion), losing another job due to my back problems, her near-alcoholism, debts rising like some kind of hydromaniac playing with a bath and so on and so on.

Anyhow, I just rushed (as far as one can “rush” when hobbling) into town to buy some food for tonight, since I’ll be cooking something a bit nicer than the usual crud. Even found some cheap donuts for myself and my sweet tooth, so that can’t be bad.

So what of new year resolutions? Well, I never make them myself, mostly because I don’t really see the point. I mean, if you’re going to do something, do it anyway… not just for new year, right? My other half, however, does use the passing of an old year to make new choices. This year, she has decided that it’ll be the beginning of the end of her drinking problem.

Now, where have I heard that before?

(And this is December 29th’s post… connection’s working now, though, so I should be back on schedule!)

 Yet another up-and-down day in the apparently never-ending cycle. My partner was up at 4:00 this morning, since she slept all day yesterday, but she waited until about 6:00 to wake me. She’d decided that she wanted to go into town to pick up a birthday present for me, so we prepared and confronted her anxiety at going out. This is never an easy thing to do: she’s socially phobic (i.e. scared of dealing with people) and only goes out very occasionally so has tendencies towards agoraphobia as well. Add to this the fact that she’s somewhat overweight at the moment and thus very self-conscious, and you have a pretty good idea of the amount of encouragement she needs to get out the front door and onto a bus.

We made it into town with the plan of going to one shoe shop (for her to spend her Christmas money from my mum) and wherever she needed to be for my present. I’d also planned on doing a bit of food shopping since we would be near the big supermarkets. Now, I dislike going to town with my lady: not because of spending time with her but because it generally deteriorates into a desperate bid to empty our bank accounts of every last penny. Yes, she loves to shop, which is not good when you’re as deeply in debt as we are.

Anyway, she found a pair of boots she liked (and which are very cool indeed) and we did all the other stuff, too. This was a major success for her. Rather than opening a bottle of wine, drinking and complaining all day, she’d managed to go out and do stuff.

Unfortunately, the evening was pretty much like a couple of days ago. Too much alcohol followed by anger, depression and all that lovely redirection of bad feeling onto the nearest person. In other words, me. I’m starting once again to get really sick of this cycle of self-destruction that she goes through. Not only does it upset and hurt me, but it destroys our life - both emotionally and financially. I’m really quite seriously afraid that this is going to end in one of those Alcoholics Anonymous stories everyone recounts, where the person loses their job, their home, ends up on the streets and all that other bad stuff - only in this case, she’s doing it to us both.

(This is actually 27 December’s post, but my connection’s been down… so here it is today!) 

Today was a bad day. I had to go off into town to check our bank account, since our connection at home wasn’t available, but unfortunately the library was closed and the bank was shut. This meant that I couldn’t transfer funds from our reserves into our current account, which we use to buy food and stuff. Thankfully, I’d had the foresight to put a fair amount in just before Christmas and the bank hadn’t siphoned any of it off for whatever reasons they invent.

Returning home with supplies, I realised I’d left my mobile phone in the house. This isn’t a major problem, but it does mean that as soon as I open the front door, my lady will start shouting at me because (a) she’s been drinking and (b) she is worried because she couldn’t reach me. As expected, the haranguing started at high volume. This was swiftly followed by more reproaches because she was trying to find me a little present for my birthday by phoning around some shops and her phone was out of credit. I explained the bank accounts situation and she put what credit we could on.

Of course, being drunk meant that she babbled on and on whenever she called anyone, so the remaining money wasn’t enough. I explained again that we couldn’t put any more on until I can transfer some funds, but this then turned into the expected two-hour-long insult marathon where it’s all my fault because I don’t understand how important it is, various accusations of being obsessed with money (fairly reasonable considering how I have to try to manage our funds while she gets blotted and spends cash wantonly) and orders for me to somehow find a way to sort the mobile credit out. Yeah, right.

I lent her my mobile and she used the credit up on that, then was suddenly violently ill (always intriguing to see vomit that is almost purely formed of alcoholic drinks… not) and went to bed. Still, the ordeal wasn’t over for me as she then decided she was hungry and I had to do the food thing. This always hurts me a lot, since she stays in bed and I have to make the trip up and down stairs half a dozen times (literally) with different foods and with my bad back screaming at me to stop walking so damned much. Add to that a healthy smattering of further accusations, random changes of subject to insults, demands and the whole “you don’t love me for who I am” crap and you can imagine how I feel.

Still no net connection here this evening, either, so I shall be reduced to eating something nice and watching a film in an attempt to calm myself down and convince myself that maybe I’m not the anti-christ after all. Some hope.

As usual at this time of year, the day itself flew by almost unnoticed. Apart from a whole series of highs and lows, the entire Christmas period seems to have disappeared without making any real impression. My partner and I had a nice quiet evening on the 24th, with a rather yummy dinner (even if I do say so myself), a decent bottle of wine and a couple of amusing films. It was nice just to bum around and do very little except enjoy each other’s company.

Christmas Day itself, we slept most of the time since we’d been up really late, and just turned into couch potatoes for a while. Very relaxing, especially since - no matter what problems real life holds - everything was closed and there was nothing we could do about letters, banks or whatever else. In between snoozes, we both pottered around a bit, laughed a lot and amused ourselves as we might. All in all, a very quiet, relaxing time.

One of the most difficult aspects of being a full-time carer - especially one who is, himself, incapacitated for the moment - is that of budgeting. I’ve just recently lost my job due to chronic back pain problems, so my partner and I will be reduced to living on benefits for the moment. And I have to deal with it all since she’s not that good with figures and I’m the computer geek with all the online accounts!

Here in the UK, the benefits system is pretty darned complicated. They’re trying to simplify it, but since everyone is different it’s a huge job. Thankfully, I’ve learnt my way around its twists and turns enough that I can now claim the things to which we are entitled.

Until I actually lose my job in January, I’m allowed Statutory Sick Pay. Since I’m considered sick (in the physical sense!), I am eligible for Incapacity Benefit. On top of that, I’m a carer so can get Income Support and Carer’s Allowance. Add to that my partner’s Disability Living Allowance and mix for ten minutes. Simmer on a low heat until ready, then serve into a bank account.

Still, with the alcohol problem and the fact that we’re smokers, there’s never really enough money around. We have debts coming out of our ears. Our ears and pretty much every other orifice you could think of, come to mention it.

That’s why the arrival of a couple of letters this weekend was, for once, good news. No banks hassling us for once - just notes from both sets of parents with a bit of Christmas money. Ah, reassurance. I was able to go out yesterday and recover my engagement ring from the pawn shop where it had been for a few months. Now that’s a Christmas present!

It looks like we’ll be able to make it through and even have a little left over for my lady to go and buy yet another pair of shoes. Just one, mind you.

Well, maybe two.

Woo, my body clock is really in a mess. My partner’s having some weird sleeping problems, where she wakes up at odd hours, can’t sleep when she needs to and feels tired when she shouldn’t: I’m kind of caught up in it all and it’s starting to play havoc with my brain.

For example, last night I was sitting here writing a couple of things over on HubPages. It gets to around 11 p.m. and she wakes up! So we wander downstairs and sit and chat for a while; she’s pretty certain she’s slept enough and will be up for most of the night. After about two hours, she’s suddenly tired again, so goes off to bed to sleep for the night - it’s now 1 a.m.

I go off to sleep as well. But of course, she’s slept more than me and wakes up at 7 a.m. feeling twitchy and nervous. I get up again and make some breakfast and so on. I’m now absolutely shattered with the ups-and-downs. My brain feels like it’s wrapped in cotton wool. Don’t get me wrong - I wouldn’t do things any other way and I don’t mind: it just feels weird!

And what happens after about an hour this morning? Yup. She feels tired again and goes off to sleep. I don’t get it - she’s actually this tired. I mean, her eyes are closing on their own! Given how much coffee she drinks in the morning, I wouldn’t have thought it possible. Something’s very odd here.

She drank again last night. After all that effort to make it through three full days before downing two bottles of wine on Thursday, she stopped fighting and gave in yesterday: after only two days. Of course, the evening was a nightmare for me, too, since she got all uppity with the alcohol in her body and spent several hours complaining and whining about everything, as is her wont. Thankfully she didn’t drink as much, so wasn’t as bad as usual.

The good thing is that I managed to cajole her into sitting down and watching a funny movie. At least that lets the time pass a little less aggressively and puts her in a better frame of mind. Make some dinner, enough to fill her stomach with something solid and let fatigue do the rest. Going to bed at 1 a.m. is still a cow, though, especially since it screws with our day today. Ye gods, it’s depressing.

This morning is turning out the way I like my Saturdays: slow. Originally, it was to be a significantly busier day, with a trip into town to do a bit of shopping - my partner wants SHOES! What is it with women and shoes? I mean, I can understand the desire to have a few extra pairs, but this many is just insane. It’s not like she’s a millipede or something. Whatever.

Anyway, she decided to do a bit of a workout this morning, since she’s been eating a bit more now she’s stopped drinking again. Unfortunately, she managed to pull a little too hard on a neck muscle (bad position = pain) and that’s given her a migraine. Dark room, no sound, eyes closed, take a nap.

We’ll see if we go out a bit later, but for the moment I can hang out and do stuff online, which is nice.

Well, that didn’t go so badly after all. I had thought today would be a bit of a nightmare, but it turned out alright. My lady decided she was too tired to do anything much, so she went to bed instead of stressing me out. I spent the day relaxing a bit, looking after her when she was hungry or wanted to talk and writing a couple of articles.

Now, I’m off to sleep. Perchance to dream.

…has a cloud. Yesterday was a good day for my partner: she managed to hold off drinking despite her terrible anxiety and we were able to go and see her analyst. More often, she is only able to call him, so it was a real feat to face the outside world and her fears. I was very proud.

Unfortunately, her withdrawal from alcohol was taxing her heavily, so in the evening she sat and drank - while drawing, as usual. She has an unexpected talent for art. I say unexpected because she’d never done it until about a year ago, when she mentioned that she’d like to try. I bought her some pencils and so on and off she went - after some first attempts that were a bit crowded and odd, she has turned out some pictures (abstract in style) that regularly make me say “Wow!”

The down-side of this is that she’s drinking at the same time. That means she gets rather blue, aggressive and critical of me and everything I do. It makes surviving the evening very dificult, as I can’t do anything except take the haranguing quietly - she’s drunk, so she won’t remember anything anyway. It always makes me feel pretty awful the following day.

And that day is today. Hopefully it’ll be a good day in some other way, to counteract the ater-effects.