Full Time Care

I had all day yesterday to feel crappy about the events of New Year’s eve and, on reflection, figured that perhaps I needed to do more to help my partner in her struggle with alcohol. Not that I don’t already do a lot, practically speaking - the shopping, washing, cleaning and so on - but I mean on the support front.

With something like alcoholism, it’s very difficult to maintain any kind of balance in my emotional state. Once she starts drinking, it’s tempting to switch off as much as possible, to erect solid barriers to protect myself from the pain and upset she will inflict once she passes beyond the ‘tipsy’ stage. I remember when we were considering Alcoholics Anonymous. She decided she didn’t like the idea of going to AA meetings because they treat alcoholism as a disease rather than as a problem - not necessarily ‘wrong’, but just not the way she wants to deal with it. We are therefore aiming at a different service available locally.

Anyway, it reminded me of AA because they also run a group called AlAnon. It’s a sister meeting for the partners or family of alcoholics, in which they discuss the way it affects us, how we react and the traps to avoid so that we can be more helpful. I’ve never been to a meeting, but I have a basic grasp of psychology (thanks to my lady) and so it occurred to me that I need to be less detached. I need to protect myself less, put myself a little more at risk of pain so that I can help her through such a tough time.

Today’s been good. Despite being incredibly anxious, she managed to resist turning to the bottle for a reprieve. For my part, I tried to be bluntly honest on how the problem is destroying our life (which she took rather well, all things considered) and also more supportive. She’s not had anything to drink. Tomorrow will be more difficult, because she’ll be quite seriously in withdrawal, but I’m hoping we’ll get through it without any wine. Not very hopeful, to be honest, but we’ll see.

Things are also a complete mess on the money front, with this month’s rent being a serious problem. Two court cases hanging over me (eviction and local taxes) don’t help much, either. I can’t deal with any of that right now - it’s just too stressful. I know I have to sort it all out and find a way to pay everything, but it all seems so pointless when everything’s so dark and empty.

Keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow.

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