Feb 21 2009
Second-Class Citizen
This has been bugging me for a couple of days now and, combined with my connection going toes-up again, has restrained me from blogging here. It’s a combination of an email and living as a FTC, as I do. So what’s the problem? I feel like a second-class citizen.
The feeling’s been there for a while and has regularly been simmering, without a proper name, just below boiling point. A couple of days ago, it boiled: firstly, I had an email from the people at Today following their regular, 3-day review of content. They go through regularly to look at “quality, productivity, popularity, and potential” and basically decided that this blog isn’t good enough on one or more of those fronts to warrant the dollar-a-day payment.
This is, in many ways, understandable. Although I would like to believe that the first two criteria are not a problem, personal blogs rarely get a large number of followers and, of course, are unlikely to bring in vast quantities of advertising revenue. That’s the main reason that the advice to people wanting to make a living through blogging is to pick a commercial subject rather than a personal one.
In my case, however, this rebuttal attached itself to a moment of introspection, when I was looking at why I often feel so stressed and annoyed. On further reflection, it occurred to me that I feel unappreciated. No, not that - I feel as though I don’t exist in the same way as my partner does. Let me explain.
If she wants something, she only has to ask. If she’s doing something, I don’t interrupt. If she’s tired or sick, I take care of her. When she talks, I listen, often for hours. I cook, I clean, I shop and so on. Now, the other side of things: if I want something, I get it myself. If I’m doing something and she calls, I drop it for whatever she wants. If I’m tired or sick, I take care of her. When I talk, she listens for thirty seconds, then starts talking again. She doesn’t cook (except occasional masterpieces in the form of chocolate cake or omelettes!), she doesn’t clean unless the house is a tip, she doesn’t shop or whatever.
Heck, I once left an empty sachet of cat food exactly where she’d left it in the kitchen, to see if she would throw it away. Three weeks, it sat there. In the end, I chucked it in the bin, before it grew legs and tried to take up permanent residence!
Now, I don’t mind looking after her. I’m a carer, that’s what I do. But I need things as well. I need to do stuff for myself, to have her do things for me, to share and exchange. I don’t want to be her parents and watch her live like a teenager, always counting on me to do whatever it is that she doesn’t want to handle. The list of jobs I have to deal with at the moment is well over twenty items - and it rarely gets any smaller. I guess I have to stop sacrificing quite so much and slowly teach her (not literally) that she’s an adult and can do a lot of these things for herself. That she needs to stop treating me like a combination of whipping boy, housekeeper and personal assistant. That she has to let me be more than a second-class citizen.
If she doesn’t, and this carries on much longer, I won’t know whether I even exist.
You sound just like a housewife and mother - except that your partner is like your child.
It’s good for children to learn independence and respect. Your partner needs to learn it too.
First of all, don’t cater to her. Caring is one thing. Catering to is another. Try not to be available exactly when she wants you. Tell her “Just a minute,” or “I’m busy right now, can you come here?” Tell her you don’t want to cook tonight, could she please take care of herself. Insist on her respecting you.
The kicker here might be that she supports you. I haven’t read your whole blog. If you are dependent on her for your livelihood, then ask yourself it this is the way you want it to be. If it isn’t, find a way to support yourself.
You probably could use some counseling. Do you think it would help?
Marilynne
http://womenoverfifty.today.com
You’ll excuse me for chuckling a little: my partner’s a psychologist, you see, so although therapy would probably help, the mere fact of living with a qualified analyst always bring s a smile to my face.
The kicker is not whether she supports me (she doesn’t, but money is not an issue in that sense - never has been), but the fact that she’s neurotic and alcoholic. When someone’s having a panic attack or is very drunk, it’s not quite so simple to say “later, dear”. When she’s sober and anxious (but not panicking), things are generally fine.
And the alcoholism and neuroses are things that are very much out of my hands, as far as control or change are concerned. That’s down to her and the people supporting her (outside the house, as in).